I feel happy because I saw him today -- which means I'm not completely over him. 

I feel angry because I saw through his lies only today -- which means I'm severely handicapped when it comes to judging people. 

I am miserable because I didn't notice anything before I said yes. I just blindly assumed that he did things out of pure kindness, because he seemed like that kind of person. Maybe I acted too happy go lucky and he wanted to break that. I laugh at everything because it's better than crying. Being happy is better than being sad. 

I feel like a pet that he just wanted to try taming. Something different and weird that he wanted to experiment with. Like a replacement for her. 

I hate feeling like this. I hate knowing this. I hate how I want to deny it even though my gut says it's true. I hate how paranoid I am. I hate how I still haven't gotten over him 100%. I hate how thinking if I saw him, I can still like normal. I acted normal all right. But now my emotions are running by me like a whirlwind and I have no idea what I'm supposed to feel in order to be normal again. 

But he is definitely avoiding me. I didn't even try to get close to him but the moment we did, he moved away. At first I tried talking to him but he seemed unwilling, but sooner or later he gave in to not look like a bad person.

Why? Am I that terrible a person? Does he think I'll attack him the moment we got within a foot of each other? 

I just don't understand. Before we went out, we would sit so close we were touching. Now he doesn't even sit next to me. He sits next to her though. 

Was I really just a plaything? 

I don't really want to know, yet I really want to know just for a peace of mind. But I'm too scared to confront him. He's too smooth. His attitude makes everything so believable. I just can't do that again. I shouldn't believe him again. I should avoid him. For my own sanity. 

I want to cry. 

I want to let out all the tears I've been holding in for the past few weeks but they refuse to come out. 

I don't want to think about this anymore. I already pushed it away from my thoughts. Why must they resurface? Is it because I feel they aren't resolved? 

But in the end, he is a dick. I notice little things. I noticed all of them today. I know he's avoiding me despite what he said beforehand. 

the more I think, the more I ponder how I even fell for someone who's personality is nowhere near similar to mine save for the fact we both like curry and things that aren't too sweet... 

uhhh...

yeah. 

him: clean freak, christian, conservative, studious, mature, happy go lucky, nice, helpful, social butterfly, cooks, responsible 

me: complete opposite

of course, at the same time I wonder what about me did he even like 

he said i was interesting...and cute... 

cute is a plus, but that's only based on physical attraction; the interesting part makes me feel a bit like a pet especially because he wanted me to change all these things; he didn't try to force it on me, but he certainly did want it 

so i dunno...

but he was handed 7 projects to work on this week, so.... I see why we can't go out but honestly, he should've expected it if he's doing so much extracurrics... 

So was it really just a fling for him or did he really have feelings for me? 

I don't knowwww, I want to know...

Gah, overindulgence is never a good thing. 

But sometimes I feel like I liked him more because he gave off a fatherly/perfect husband aura than because he's just him... 

Idk, I think I liked him..if I didn't, he wouldn't be on my mind most of the time these days right?